So, I’m learning more about my submissiveness as I’m tentatively entering a relationship of sorts with both a submissive and a Dominant (though all three of us are switches to varying degrees).
I have a lot more experience being Dominant, and I also feel a great deal of gratitude for and warmth towards my Dom side. When I Dom, I want to own and cherish and give pleasure/pain and teach and let out all my strength and my affection. Loving control. Playful cruelty. I enjoy Dominating the sub in our trio. It’s been wonderful. She’s been wonderful. And it’s been wicked fun to do it alongside another Dominant.
But my sub? Holy moly. My submissive side is far more wonked than I ever imagined. I never felt truly submissive before, and now that I’m feeling it, my desires seem completely cray-cray to me. I want to be nothing. A toy, an animal to be used and beaten. No name, no permission to speak, no value placed on my person. I want to crawl and be used, then discarded. My sub doesn’t even want to come. Doesn’t even truly want to be taught and punished. Just wants to be treated like absolute shit when it’s even noticed at all. It doesn’t even want a gender identity. It’s only satisfied when its needs are completely ignored.
I don’t know what to think of this, frankly. How does any of the above enter into a healthy relationship? How can it? I mean, my Dominant side would cringe at the very idea of treating a sub that way. I wouldn’t shame anyone for desiring it, I’m not necessarily saying my desires are wrong. I’m just unsure as to whether they can be healthily enacted.
And anyway, the Dominant in the relationship is kind and responsible and I trust her. She wants to try to give me some of those things, but not all. To change my submissiveness into something that makes me strut rather than crawl. I don’t know if that will work, but of course, a big part of me wants to please her always. I’m very lucky to have someone so willing to wade into these waters with me.
I fucking scare myself sometimes.
